Mac vs. PC

Not quite West Side Story but close enough.

Garage Manicure

As I look at my battered hands I see the cracks and cuts caused by my inner mechanic. The one that prefers not to pay someone else to repair his car because it's too expensive. Last Saturday I made my first attempt at repairing disk brakes. Through lack of time and proper parts (Auto store sold me the wrong ones) I barely got by replacing my rear rotors. A few cuts here and bashed thumb I manage to get the damn bastards off and fix what I can. I do derive some form of satisfaction with this and yet I'm torn by the expected conditions that I've gained manly points because of it. It ticks me off so much that I think I'll go window shopping once I wash the grease out from my bleeding hands.

Marriage Speedbump

So the past couple weeks have been a little rocky. My wife who accepts my unique quarks got a little overloaded. For the most part she's never been against my eclectic habits but she's never encouraged it. I would love the idea that she did, but that's not the case. In the past 2 1/2 years we've been together her method to dealing with my habits was to ignore it. Then last week things came to the brim and she finally spoke her mind. She only loves me when I'm not dressed up and she isn't sure she can be with a man that crossdresses? It hit me pretty hard because she never complained that it bothered her. We didn't know if this was the end of our marriage. It certainly felt that way. The biggest problem was she didn't understand why I would want to dress this way. I needed to get through to her that what I do isn't bad and every time I'd tried nothing would get through to her. In our long somber talk I mentioned a book that might be able to do that. However I only read the descriptions of it with great reviews. Fortunately it was good choice, because for the most part this trial has passed it's volatile stage.

My Husband Betty defused a scary moment for us and opened new communications. We still remain as a couple and for those "ladies" out there expressing the joys of a girlfriend like relationship with your wives, please understand that is not us. Our bond is in the traditional sense. I Tarzan, You Jane with just the occasional Tarzania swinging by.

Hulu, WB and Makeup

I've known about Hulu as a viable alternative to cable TV. It's one of the more successful online prime time access points to mainstream TV founded by NBC and Newscorp. It's become a real big convenience for my folks who managed to finally connect their computer via fancy big HD LCD. I'll let you look into more yourself to see the benefits, but as for me I wanted to see what alternatives have popped up since its growing success. One blip on the radar said The WB is in their Beta testing phase of this new site. So the first thing that jumps out to me is a series called...



This is new news to me, but I still say it's important to pass it on. As simple as it sounds it's quite nice to have a show with this perspective. I know many of need help in this matter. I've only watched the first two episodes but it's seriously going on my favorites.

Slow Sunday

It's Sunday and I'm sitting here trying to come up with something to do. I've already watched the second disc of Blood +. It's one of the many anime I'm enjoying right now through Netflix. I even watched Heroes that's been sitting on my DVR for the past 3 weeks. I would love to watch it sooner but college is more important. Hell I should be studying right now, but I'm blowing that off because I can.

So what do I do? The Wife and I thought we might paint our big computer room, but laziness struck. My other viable choices all involve spending money. I seriously can't do that right now. We did to much that yesterday to include looking at a new car for me. I have to say that I'm really proud of myself that by not deviating from guys clothes however tempting the women selection. I pine way too much for that stuff, that I'm neglecting my male ego appearance.

So Since we're in the midwest places like H&M are little out our ways to frequent and the two near by have only one place providing a male collection. That I have to say is smaller than my crappy closet. This just builds on to my desire for more wardrobe versatility and there was a little twist to the knife when I over heard a teenager with all her male siblings pick a pair of guys pants she liked and said she could wear it and that it's Ok because she's a girl. ~_~

Anywho, after that displeasing perusal through one of my hopeful shopping hot spots we came across a store you in the audience may know more about than I. My hat goes off for Forever 21 side project called Heritage 1981. Affordable fashionable guys clothing catering to the disposable income in mind. I seriously tore up the cardigans enough to torture my pompous narrow minded coworkers. I hate even mention his name. Let's just call him FratBoy. This guys makes it a point to drag other coworkers with him to make fun of whomever he decides to that day. I'm no longer a good target to him ever since I snapped and told him off, but my heart goes out to his latest victims. Anyways, two weeks ago I wore a cardigan he felt note worthy to comment. In a slight sadistic manner I bought more of these tops just to spite him. I'll never cave in and wear sports jersey to work even though he deems it glorious. Yes this man gets on my nerves way too much, but money is money and I'm not ready to quit this job to become a hobo as of yet.

Holding on...

Holding on...
Originally uploaded by GenBot

Last night my friend and I went out to what I guess could be our local watering hole. Novaks is a lesbian club in St. Louis that's set up pretty nice. We tend to gravitate there because it as normal as it gets for us. Gay clubs tend to be three degrees away from a fun house and trying to act nonchalant in a diverse place (ie. the mall) can become unsettling when you're not with a large group of friends (still searching).

For the most part I'm grateful being able to get out like this. I really wonder if some day I could integrate this into my life more often. I really haven't gotten much negative reactions from the public. The younger crowds are certainly more open or at least not so confrontational.

As a guy who likes to get dolled up I have to say I'm embarrassed by the examples mainstream media depicts of us. I may be hypersensitive, but it embarrasses me to see crossdressing/any form of it depicted as comic relief. I can't help but want to walk out of the theaters when faced with it. To hear people laugh at it makes it harder for me to follow my dream of accepting myself completely. I know I'm apart of silent passion that hides under layers of shame and hypocrisy.

I dream every day of being open, proud and respected for my passion. It engulfs me so much that my priorities become second place. I can't stand this prison jump suite I have to wear everyday and for the most part I know my problem is trivial. I'm a perfectly average healthy looking male with a ton of great things going for me and yet I feel damned for not having enough freedoms to be myself. What the hell do I do? As a heterosexual married male with a very conservative career I can't branch away from it in fear of loosing everything. A dress is a dress, but put it on a guy and it's a noose.

Casual consideration

Casual consideration
Originally uploaded by GenBot

October is my month. It's when I come out hibernation and free my inner fashion desires. I still have no idea why I must do this. Maybe nature calls me to migrate to the ladies department this time of year. I have yet to crave summer wear at all. There's also the problem of maintaining my Manly requirements.

Anyways, in the past couple of picture post and blogs I've really felt my art was lacking. I kept being disappointed by it and that's when a light bulb popped over my head or more so the Sun. I really need to explore natural light and that's what motivated this newest fashion shoot. The four outfits I put together are made from pieces obtained over the past 5 years. I'm pretty happy that I have almost a wardrobe that scream Dude in dress I feel at least. I know I can't pass for genetic girl but I do have some satisfaction that I don't look like a total trainwreck. Hell, I'm 6'2", 195lbs and balancing it all on size 13 heels. I'm going against this learning curve. Is it that big of problem to want to look normal in the un-normal?

Bitch Session

Now that I got last weeks post out of the way I need to do some venting. I've always got too much to say and not enough attention span to explain. So here goes...

• I've got no time to myself like blogging and I'm loosing precious sleep writing this. I have a standard job with commute. I go to school 4 nights a week. I volunteer monthly for the community and the most important thing is I do my best to spend quality time with my wife.
• I need to get over the fact my wife does not care to spend time with me outside the house while I'm dressed enfem. In my narrow perfect world everyone should love hanging out with amazon women like myself, but that's not her thing. She's never been interested in that lifestyle. I have to get through my head that couples can love each other and not be into the same shit. What is important is that She loves me, respects me and supports my decisions. The same thing goes for me to her. She does all that for her hobbies I barely show an interest for. I have to accept I can't share everything that's important to me. I guess this is like sports for some guys. We can't connect to everyone.
  
• I had to cut my nails because they were becoming obvious to coworkers and I've got too much house repair shit to fix before Winter hits hard.
  
• I really don't think I have enough clothes in both my wardrobes. I wish I could combine the two, but that goes back to my themes. I need to try every out fit I own and sketch what pieces I need to make awesome. I love fashion and I want to contribute my art, but I really feel I have a long road ahead of me to truly become the inspirations I admire the most.
• I need to loose weight because I don't want to keep trying to find XXL tops. I've already got enough problems locating shoes in a size 13. I can easily shave off a couple pounds to fit a dress versus the drastic surgery done to accommodate my tacky taste in footwear.
  

That's it for now.
Thanks

T Party

Billards Set
Originally uploaded by GenBot

Last Saturday I went out to a St. Louis local gay club called "The Complex" where the lovely Cherista threw together a T Party. Transgender that is. Now I normally don't visit anything this organized because I shitty supporter in TG/TS/CD community, but the overall opinion coming from the ladies I talked to was that it was a great idea and something to look forward to. The laid back atmosphere is what sold me. I guess this party was needed because the other choices for gatherings involved a list of requirements dealing with your identity. It's alot of drama I personally stay away from stuff like that.

The main reason I came across this event goes back to my friend Kristen (who I've only hung out with once last year) clued me in on it. It was nice talking with her and we have some geeky things in common instead of the usual hey I like wearing womens clothes too! I had fun getting out of the house dressed the way I want to and meeting some new people. This T Party is certainly an event I'll keep on my calendar.

New Back Breaking Shoes

New Back Breaking Shoes
Originally uploaded by GenBot

So I made it to my shoe store and BOGO'd myself. I could do more damage there if I ever paid with plastic.

Cloud covers the hunt

One of my last post talked about my back problems getting in the way of going out. As of now I'm healing, but I don't want to strain myself. My back is no joke and suffering for fashion will be thrown in the closet until I've healed. So what do I do with a closet filled up in back breaking footwear? I go buy flats or will that is.

Why I haven't I done this so far? I'm roughly a size 12W or 13 in ladies shoes. I'm thankful Payless recognizes this size, but I'm always pissed that most of the shoe industry doesn't. Anygoo. My selection at home has never seen anything below a 2 inch heel. I feel my shoe size is a big strike against me. The higher the heel the better the illusion your foot size decreases. Since my back is falling apart I might as well rock boats and slip on some flats.

So I'm heading home today and the shopping center before my house has Payless that carries up to size 13. Not every store does that. I justify my shopping trip because it's cloudy/drizzling. Most people I think prefer not to shop in weather like this, but it seems they do...today...at 4pm I normally don't have a problem shopping. I'm typically fearless, but the winds were not blowing in my favor. A dirty contractor looking guy in the parking lot was facing the store and I know I stick out like sore thumb because it's brighter inside than the overcast weather outside. That made me uncomfortable big time. He left a minute or two later. What got me to give up was an elderly lady shopping in the same aisle. I also really didn't take to anything there today but I'll try again before Saturday before I go out.

The Themes

So from this blog of mine you'll gather a couple themes. (Eventually more so once I've invested in it over time)

1. I believe crossdressing is a derogatory word per its negative condemnations and belittling references.
2. If society can traditionally accept women in male attire then the same should go for male donning female garb.
3. Because 1 and 2 have not been corrected I am stuck with feeling forever trapped in my skin always seeking mental and physical (dressing)release.

The heavens are against me

I really look forward to hitting the town in god knows what crazy outfit. I have to set aside these days and they are something special. Although things do get in the way sometimes. Be it work, nature, or even love. They don't bother me because it's life. Then there's myself who gets in my way. I've been having lower back pain this past month. Nothing to serious with minor irritation. There are a number or reason to contribute to this. Constant back cracking, poor seating habits, lack of exercise or even being tall. (The world is built for the average) I also wear heels ever chance I get because it what I call exciting. If people are allowed to wear stupid team jerseys I can wear my tacky footwear. Now it seems my body is against me and I'm at a lost until it heals or I loose my passion. Something tells me I'm going to fight hard to get better. I'll just have to remember not to do any heavy lifting while in 3" stilettos.

Female trouser socks with shine

Female trouser socks with shine
Originally uploaded by GenBot

Over the past years I've tempted fate with subtly but I've gotten more eager to expose it my choices. Since I have to play with three different wardrobes (work, male ego, female ambitions) I would really like to blend it all together. One way is that I wear female sock. ie nylons/tights/so on. I go for the guy colors and they're mostly mute solids, but this time I've jumped the edge and choose shiny... This was quite obvious but still no one says anything. On a side note. I work in a very "Frat boy" environment. Masculinity rules and female aspects are derogatory. I'll get into that later. Anyways, to abridge the rest. I really want more outlets to blend. I feel people can look normal enough to tolerate each other and still expose their inner creativity. I do it in small ways and bask in my petty victories, but they're mine and they give me hope to reach my destination.

Purpose

This is the first of what I dream to be many thoughts touching on how I perceive reality. I want this to be an exploration on what drives me and to delve deeper to who I am, what I like and where I want to be.

~Joanne