New Years Resoluting

Alright this might be my first time committing myself to a New Years resolution. So here goes.

Short Term:
Be the best Dad and Husband I can.
Organize my life
Improve on my fitness and exceed my previous standards
Complete all required job certification.
Set new goals in job marketability
Save money and invest wisely
Destroy my bills
Improve on my hobbies
Play more video games



Long Term:
In two years I will have a six pack, tattoo, and promotion into management. Oh and I'll be turning 30 so I want this milestone to be important
Sale house and move to a location my family will enjoy.

Halloween 2009

Again!!!
Originally uploaded by GenBot

This past Friday I went to my first Rocky Horror Picture Show...by myself. Meh. Well I made the best of it. First things first. My outfit. I've had this dress over 5 years and this was the first time I wore it out. I bought it because I really liked the diner girl uniforms and wanted to use it in modern way. That didn't work out so it went to my "I just can't throw you away" pile. The little maid apron was bought last year on ebay but arrived in the mail a week after my sacred holiday. It says "Bates Motel Maid Services." My arm warmers was a random Halloween store purchase. I got my tights from Marshalls and I really love the French pattern. The booties are from Payless. Nuff said.
As for the creepy backdrop is curtesy of the week long rain storm here in the midwest. My basement is a root cellar that pretends to be a water closet time to time.
Back to how the night went. I was suppose to meet up with some friends for the show but they didn't buy their tickets in advance. I got there 3 hours early because I wanted to wander around the shops. I ended up going into a bar to become the entertainment. Women love it when I dress up and guys tend to freak out. It's not everyday you see a 6'6 (w/heels) CDer. Anywho I made some friends and drank my share. I felt it the next morning too. When I went back to the theater all the seats were almost filled. The show was great and I'd love to do it again. When you get dressed up like this being alone is always allusion when everyone is staring at you.

New Shoes... Woot!

New Shoes by Gender Crush on Polyvore.com

Ordered these heels from jessicabennettshoes.com
I've been looking at them for close to a year. Ya, I know, why wait? I saved over $100 that's why. I'm always looking and I've grown past purchasing generic heels. What I mean is that instead of buying several meh heels, I'd rather save up and buy the real gems. At least the ones I like the most. Next stop. Boots!!!

Shoes first... Bills later

I'm going positively nuts with my wants versus needs. There's a ton things I need to do in my life due to responsibilities and obligations. I work all the time and the personal rewards I give myself is usually a smoothie or a case of Sam Adams. Anyways. If I could buy one extra indulgence in life it has to be shoes and damn you if your thinking about that YouTube video. ^_^

sunlight through the breeze

Getting back to zen. I've finished some school projects and accepted the big ones into my life. Surprisingly I take more enjoyment in my internship than my day job. Another thing going for me is that I'm riding my bike more. The Misses and I bought some road bikes last year to participate in a JDRF fund raise. That aside I do enjoy getting away from my computer. The resulting affect from my outdoor activity is that I'm more hungry and fidgety. I hope it's my metabolism kicking up a notch.
The other reason could be one of my co workers just quit. This wake up call reminds me I don't have to drive 50 miles a day for a decent wage. The down side to this. I'm picking up the slack.
Back to bicycle riding. I would love to ride more often. It's something my Dad passed on to me. I grew up with his cycling passion. We don't live close enough to do weekend rides, but in the future I hope we can.

Moaning Mondays

I find it funny that I'm never satisfied of who I am...for at least now. My addiction to Flickr is testament to that. I escape to many points of the world seeing the lives of others doing what they do. A transidentalist at heart. I find myself envious to the point of depression. I know I'm this is affecting me more because of where I work, what social standards I have to keep up and ALL the college work I have to complete. The sad thing is I don't like the job I have...but it pays. I don't like what I have to wear...but it keeps from being lynched. I don't give two flying asshats the degree I'm pursuing...but I get to finish this year vs. 3 years from now. I'm damned either way. Why the hell am I doing in this life just to get by? I know I'm Love my Wife, Family, and Friends, but it's really hard to love myself. I guess I'll keep pressing on like always.

Normalcy in my making

Besides focusing on my main distraction in life I will say I have other passions that I enjoy. Most of the time they're put on hold due to my incessant college requirements. Well this past weekend I had free to enjoy some good times with the wife and friends. Friday started out slow. I played house keeper and no I don't have a french maid outfit...yet. Ha! I did however enjoy picking up the slack in chores. I feel guilty when she takes on more house duties and I'm left shilling paper after paper. Anywho. We ended up watching the movie Penelope staring Christina Ricci and James McAvoy. Good date night movie.

On Saturday I spent my free time messing with my garage. Too much crap that I need to sort out. Also, note to self. Do stuff in the garage during Spring and Fall. It's too freaking hot and humid. Later that night we went to St Louis to meet up with some friends and dance to 3am at new 80s/Britpop venue. I must have danced my freaking head off that night because the next morning my feet were killing me. Chuck All Stars do not take the best impact for my rug cutting skills.
Sunday I recovered by continueing my Fringe series on Hulu.com and slapping an ice pack. Knowing we had to be somewhere at 5 we ended going to the grociery store. Funny thing lately is I really have no idea what I want to eat these days. At home at least. This little habit isn't helping the bank balance.
To end this long weekend we met up with more friends at Grant's Trail 16 miles total ride. Always good to get back on the road bike. I really enjoy doing things like this.

Dreading Support Groups

In my corner of the world you will always come across support groups. Those that encourage expressing your thoughts. I've never been drawn to them. It feels like a despiration move, but in the end I think it may be what I need the most.. The funny thing is that it isn't going to be just about the fashion. Lately I've been feeling like the really odd ball of life. I'm nerd, geek, otaku, whatever you want to say. I just don't have many kindred souls I can connect with. I do have a wonderful wife but I can't shoot the shit about CD fashion. That subject isn't discussed casually at home or anywhere for that fact. My coworker artificialy rant about their sports and lifes war stories. I would say something but I have no energy talk to the back stabbers. Yes I would like some cheese with my wine.

My choice or is it Man choice?

The wife asked me to join her for business lunch with potential client. I was only meant to be the muscle in case this person was a sketchy character. We'll I didn't bring much entertainment so as we waited for this I guy I grabbed a couple magazines. Lo behold out of the stack to choose from there was only two "male" centric choices. Everything else was either home, Hollywood or fashion. Well I go for what I like and she makes the comment that I had to pick girl magazines. Once again I'm restricted to be who I am. I understand I loose out on man point by looking at this and if this guy we were about to meet was any threat then his first impression of me would be belittling. I'm just once again force by these roles in order maintain balance in the cosmos.

Momment with Mom

This is a quick story. My Mom was enjoying a walk yesterday and as she past a bank she saw a tall enfeminine person near by. She told me it was guy wearing slightly form fitting clothes and long hair. What stood out the most was that he was wearing heels. I asked her if the world was crashing around him and she said no. She said that this place seemed open enough for him to feel able to express himself like that and she thought it was ok. She did point out that I shouldn't do it because my job doesn't tolerate such diversity. I said I know, but we could always hope. After that we just jabbered about the usual lifes routines. By the way. She lives north of Fort Worth Texas. I'm glad men have moved on to just wearing cowboy boots there.

Bad Day (Edited)

It's pretty simple to figure out whats up. Crap happens but it's even worse when you're trying to figure out what that crap is. I've got a friend who's pretty much one of the handful of people I can talk freely about this side of me. It's easy because he/she partakes in the same past time. I feel bad that I haven't been able to hang out for long time because of my school/work/everyday upkeep that I have to place first. There's also the impeding warmer weather coming closer, so hanging out with him/her for the sole purpose of dressing up is unlikely.

Well what the hell does this have to do with being grumpy and having a bad day? I didn't figure it out until now after I did my typical MySpace surf of TS/TV/CDs for inspiration. If I can't dress up, I like to see other people getting out of their shell. With all the different types out there I tend to revisit some pages. These MySpace friends typically are amazing with their art. Some are androgynous, others are very creative and there are some that are at peace. The last type is something I didn't realize until now. Looking at Jaklyn's page you get to see her past male life and the female soul shining through now. It's an amazing 180¤ turn with her. I admire her courage and forgiving genetics that allow for such a beautiful transformation. Looking at the latest photos, one common thing she emanates caught me off guard and it really hit the core of my bad day. It's something I get from dressing that I haven't done in a long time and I sometimes forget it is big part of it...vulnerability.

Women do the opposite of this when being a tomboy. They get tough and macho in their own way. Boys have it a little until their taught it's not OK to cry and so they go on for the rest of their life molded into this cold figure. When I dress up, the clothes I wear are soften my exterior, my posture is more delicate, and my walk changes from heels lifting me higher. I able to feel vulnerable and it's such a relief. My cold male world melts away. I no longer have to open all the doors and be expected to be unwavering. Protector, provider and obligations takes a step down my insane A type personality. I reach a zen through this vulnerability for only a second but it rejuvenates my strained shoulders.

Now you're thinking I want to go the path Jaklyn did. It's not me. I Love my wife and I know that leap is not for me. I've come across another path that is defining myself. It's called genderqueer. I'll talk about that later. For now I feel a little better.

Security Check and Tights

Last year I posted about how i like to add a little of my whole self into my everyday life . This is done through things I can hide since most feminine clothing is easy to spot. At least for the obvious and I hate to say it, but most mornings I wake up hoping to increase my options in clothing choices. This will only happen if I see on the news that "World Agrees, Female Fashion is now Males Fashion!"

Well, the reason I'm bringing this up comes from a little tourist moment I had today with my friends. (Who I haven't told directly about myself.) We decided it would be cool to see the St. Louis Arch during their visit and when we got there a security checkpoint was waiting. I looked ahead and saw it wasn't as stringent like the airport and so I went ahead confidant. When it was my turn I removed most of my metallic garments but forgot my necklace. Of course I set off the alarm and unlike the last person who got the wand from security, the yelled across the X-ray counter to lift my pant legs. Oh dear god I thought to myself. He said in more detail that I needed to lift them above your socks. I reluctantly pulled them above my ankles all the way to my calfs. I said to him with everyone in a ears shot (My friends) that they went up the whole leg. By the way to give you a visual I was wearing muted green tights under my pants to go along with my earthy tone outfit. After seeing I wasn't packing any heat the guard let me pass. Curious of my friends reaction I saw they looked spaced out as nothing happened and we enjoyed the rest of the day.

I'm happy this didn't bring anything up, but I'm also wondering that if what I do comes across as normal will I be able to do more. If that's the case I might finally get the rest of my footwear some rightfully deserved adventures.

Spring Time

It's here again. Spring you say? The time of the year where my cd-ing winds down and my Manly urges start tingle. So far it looks like I'm having some difficulty with this. My hibernation insticts haven't kicked in. Maybe because the weather hasn't warmed up enough or maybe I did't dress up enough this past winter? I don't know, but as now it's hitting me pretty steady. I'm looking at the sales and day dreaming of wearing a cute outfit to work instead of my handsome drab.we'll just wait and see.

Religion up my ass

In the past couple years since I've left the nest I find religion getting further away from me. Growing up Catholic I had my obligations, but it was always depressing for me to slump my way there. I just felt if I really showed my fellow Catholics who I am and how I want to express myself then they would toss me on a cross without flinching. This feeling has subsided with my absence of the church. Until today. Two of my coworkers who go to the same church twice a week. (I think they're Baptist) were talking about the last sermon their minister gave about why it's easier to walk the path of Jesus and more work to follow Satan.
His example... Crossdressers. They discussed how men have to work so hard to emulate females with all their makeup and high heels. Exaggerating their walk. It's just plain evil and not God's will. WTF is going on in church to be planting seeds for a possible witch hunts like this? Will church goers now be motivated to seek after these "sinners." I know I'm reading too much into this, but anyways.
Hearing this ongoing discussion I decided to jump in. It led to another discussion about male apparel and how guys shouldn't wear tight jeans and so on. My point in the conversation with out giving myself away as infuriated as I am still inside was that in the USA we have freedoms that protect all of us. We are allowed to express ourselves to the point of not exposing our bits n pieces.
The venom coming out good Christians made me feel if people are committing fashion crimes and down right sinning for wearing the article of clothing assigned by sex then the should be punished. I made the point that if they don't like it here in Candy Mountain then they should go to IRAQ or whatever country that police throw people in jail over how much make up they're wearing. Yes I understand these God fearing coworkers of mine have the right to discuss topics like this, but I'll be damn if they don't realize how good they have it. I only wish I could have said. "I'm a crossdresser and if I'm going to hell for my lifestyle then consider me already there with you ignorant ladies." What do I have to burn to gain fashion freedom to wear a what I want and still function in society?

Dolce Vita 'Marlo' Bootie (Gray)

Dolce Vita 'Marlo' Bootie (Gray)
Originally uploaded by GenBot

So these last couple of months I've been busy with school and my two jobs. My hobbies have been on hold and I feel horrible for friends that wanted to go out. I know I can make time but I have more important things on my plate. I did however buy some new "expensive" shoes from Barefoot Tess. A great place to shop if I had millions. That's why I wait for the sales which seem to be absent this month. Anywho. I purchased this bootie a couple months back. They've sort of have an ugly cute thing about them I like. Plus they have a slight gender neutral flare to them. Now if I only can figure out an outfit to wear them with.

Oh and for some reason I really had the desire to buy one of those faddish wide leg pants. It takes me back when I rocked the JNCO's in the late 90's. The hard part is finding tall inseams in the sales rack.