Bad Day (Edited)

It's pretty simple to figure out whats up. Crap happens but it's even worse when you're trying to figure out what that crap is. I've got a friend who's pretty much one of the handful of people I can talk freely about this side of me. It's easy because he/she partakes in the same past time. I feel bad that I haven't been able to hang out for long time because of my school/work/everyday upkeep that I have to place first. There's also the impeding warmer weather coming closer, so hanging out with him/her for the sole purpose of dressing up is unlikely.

Well what the hell does this have to do with being grumpy and having a bad day? I didn't figure it out until now after I did my typical MySpace surf of TS/TV/CDs for inspiration. If I can't dress up, I like to see other people getting out of their shell. With all the different types out there I tend to revisit some pages. These MySpace friends typically are amazing with their art. Some are androgynous, others are very creative and there are some that are at peace. The last type is something I didn't realize until now. Looking at Jaklyn's page you get to see her past male life and the female soul shining through now. It's an amazing 180¤ turn with her. I admire her courage and forgiving genetics that allow for such a beautiful transformation. Looking at the latest photos, one common thing she emanates caught me off guard and it really hit the core of my bad day. It's something I get from dressing that I haven't done in a long time and I sometimes forget it is big part of it...vulnerability.

Women do the opposite of this when being a tomboy. They get tough and macho in their own way. Boys have it a little until their taught it's not OK to cry and so they go on for the rest of their life molded into this cold figure. When I dress up, the clothes I wear are soften my exterior, my posture is more delicate, and my walk changes from heels lifting me higher. I able to feel vulnerable and it's such a relief. My cold male world melts away. I no longer have to open all the doors and be expected to be unwavering. Protector, provider and obligations takes a step down my insane A type personality. I reach a zen through this vulnerability for only a second but it rejuvenates my strained shoulders.

Now you're thinking I want to go the path Jaklyn did. It's not me. I Love my wife and I know that leap is not for me. I've come across another path that is defining myself. It's called genderqueer. I'll talk about that later. For now I feel a little better.