My choice or is it Man choice?

The wife asked me to join her for business lunch with potential client. I was only meant to be the muscle in case this person was a sketchy character. We'll I didn't bring much entertainment so as we waited for this I guy I grabbed a couple magazines. Lo behold out of the stack to choose from there was only two "male" centric choices. Everything else was either home, Hollywood or fashion. Well I go for what I like and she makes the comment that I had to pick girl magazines. Once again I'm restricted to be who I am. I understand I loose out on man point by looking at this and if this guy we were about to meet was any threat then his first impression of me would be belittling. I'm just once again force by these roles in order maintain balance in the cosmos.

Momment with Mom

This is a quick story. My Mom was enjoying a walk yesterday and as she past a bank she saw a tall enfeminine person near by. She told me it was guy wearing slightly form fitting clothes and long hair. What stood out the most was that he was wearing heels. I asked her if the world was crashing around him and she said no. She said that this place seemed open enough for him to feel able to express himself like that and she thought it was ok. She did point out that I shouldn't do it because my job doesn't tolerate such diversity. I said I know, but we could always hope. After that we just jabbered about the usual lifes routines. By the way. She lives north of Fort Worth Texas. I'm glad men have moved on to just wearing cowboy boots there.

Bad Day (Edited)

It's pretty simple to figure out whats up. Crap happens but it's even worse when you're trying to figure out what that crap is. I've got a friend who's pretty much one of the handful of people I can talk freely about this side of me. It's easy because he/she partakes in the same past time. I feel bad that I haven't been able to hang out for long time because of my school/work/everyday upkeep that I have to place first. There's also the impeding warmer weather coming closer, so hanging out with him/her for the sole purpose of dressing up is unlikely.

Well what the hell does this have to do with being grumpy and having a bad day? I didn't figure it out until now after I did my typical MySpace surf of TS/TV/CDs for inspiration. If I can't dress up, I like to see other people getting out of their shell. With all the different types out there I tend to revisit some pages. These MySpace friends typically are amazing with their art. Some are androgynous, others are very creative and there are some that are at peace. The last type is something I didn't realize until now. Looking at Jaklyn's page you get to see her past male life and the female soul shining through now. It's an amazing 180¤ turn with her. I admire her courage and forgiving genetics that allow for such a beautiful transformation. Looking at the latest photos, one common thing she emanates caught me off guard and it really hit the core of my bad day. It's something I get from dressing that I haven't done in a long time and I sometimes forget it is big part of it...vulnerability.

Women do the opposite of this when being a tomboy. They get tough and macho in their own way. Boys have it a little until their taught it's not OK to cry and so they go on for the rest of their life molded into this cold figure. When I dress up, the clothes I wear are soften my exterior, my posture is more delicate, and my walk changes from heels lifting me higher. I able to feel vulnerable and it's such a relief. My cold male world melts away. I no longer have to open all the doors and be expected to be unwavering. Protector, provider and obligations takes a step down my insane A type personality. I reach a zen through this vulnerability for only a second but it rejuvenates my strained shoulders.

Now you're thinking I want to go the path Jaklyn did. It's not me. I Love my wife and I know that leap is not for me. I've come across another path that is defining myself. It's called genderqueer. I'll talk about that later. For now I feel a little better.

Security Check and Tights

Last year I posted about how i like to add a little of my whole self into my everyday life . This is done through things I can hide since most feminine clothing is easy to spot. At least for the obvious and I hate to say it, but most mornings I wake up hoping to increase my options in clothing choices. This will only happen if I see on the news that "World Agrees, Female Fashion is now Males Fashion!"

Well, the reason I'm bringing this up comes from a little tourist moment I had today with my friends. (Who I haven't told directly about myself.) We decided it would be cool to see the St. Louis Arch during their visit and when we got there a security checkpoint was waiting. I looked ahead and saw it wasn't as stringent like the airport and so I went ahead confidant. When it was my turn I removed most of my metallic garments but forgot my necklace. Of course I set off the alarm and unlike the last person who got the wand from security, the yelled across the X-ray counter to lift my pant legs. Oh dear god I thought to myself. He said in more detail that I needed to lift them above your socks. I reluctantly pulled them above my ankles all the way to my calfs. I said to him with everyone in a ears shot (My friends) that they went up the whole leg. By the way to give you a visual I was wearing muted green tights under my pants to go along with my earthy tone outfit. After seeing I wasn't packing any heat the guard let me pass. Curious of my friends reaction I saw they looked spaced out as nothing happened and we enjoyed the rest of the day.

I'm happy this didn't bring anything up, but I'm also wondering that if what I do comes across as normal will I be able to do more. If that's the case I might finally get the rest of my footwear some rightfully deserved adventures.